A 3-fer

I was going to spread these stories out over several days but decided that, since you all have been deprived for over a week, I would drop three on you.  So, here goes:

HOW TO GET A FREE BURRITO

A man was sitting at the trolley station eating a normal size looking Southern California burrito.  While eating, he was talking about the burrito and the place he got it from with two women.  He was complaining about the size of the burrito, saying $8 was too much for a 3/4 pound burrito.  He told the women that he had complained to the manager of the taco shop about the size of the burrito.  He told the manager that typically, burritos are 1 to 1 1/2 pounds but the one he was served was only 3/4 pound. The manager had disagreed with the man about how much the burrito weighed, saying that their burritos are always around one pound.  The man told the manager that he can tell 3/4 pound v. a pound from his drug dealing days. The manager took the burrito, weighed it, found it to weigh 3/4 pound, and gave it to the man for free.

PEOPLE LIKE ME

I have been sick and currently have a cough.  My mom taught me right and I always cover my mouth when I cough.  Before I leave for work, I suck on a cough drop to cut my coughing down while I am on the trolley.  

I was sitting in the good seats (yay) with no one next to me.  There was one lady in the row in front of me.  We had been moving for about 5 minutes, when I suddenly coughed once.  I covered my mouth which most people on the trolley don’t do.  The woman whipped her head around like the girl in the Exorcist.  “Are you sick?” I told her I was getting over something expecting - I need to stop expecting anything on my trolley rides - her to tell me to feel better or commiserate with me.  Instead, she began berating me.

“It is people like you who should be banned from the trolley.  Coming on here all sick and shit, exposing the rest of us.  How dare you?”  She got up and moved to the other side of the car.

Although I wanted to, I did not have the energy to, ask her why I should be banned but these other riders, on the same trolley, were not subject to her ban:

A clipper - Yes, they are back.  But this time, he wasn’t even clipping his fingernails.  He had his socks off, going to town on his toenails.  But, he was okay.

A smoker - Yes, someone was actually smoking a cigarette on the trolley.  But, he was okay.

Kids - Yes, someone let kids on the trolley who were coughing and sneezing everywhere without covering their mouths.  Then they would touch their dirty noses and then touch poles, doors, etc. with the same hands.  But, they were okay.

Unhygienic people - Yes, people who are clearly not clean in any sense of the word are allowed on the trolley. They also sit on the seats, touch everything, and leave unseen germs everywhere,  But, they are okay.

It is only people like me who should be banned from the trolley for putting other riders in danger with my one, mouth-covered cough.

THESE IS RED BOTTOMS

If you know the song, you know that red bottoms are expensive shoes by Christian Louboutin that have red soles.  Maybe you know about them because you have a pair.  I’m not fancy, so I had to learn about them from the song.

At the trolley stop, a woman approached me asking if I wanted to buy her shoes.  She was wearing black, strappy high heels.  She was also wearing knee-length sweats, knee-high socks, a bikini top, a cameo jacket, and a veil.  Thinking she was kidding, I asked what she would wear if I bought her shoes.  She pulled a pair of flip flops out of her jacket.

I thanked her for the offer, but declined.  “Don’t you know these is expensive?  These is red bottoms, these is blood shoes.”  I really wanted to ask if she actually meant “bloody shoes” as those are the correct lyrics or point out the fact that her shoes had no red on them.  Instead, I told her I could never afford her blood shoes, but if she had any crip shoes maybe we could work out a deal.

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